Archive for the ‘Humor’ category

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi…

January 11, 2016

I have been working on catching up on some posts that have been sitting in my ‘Draft’ folder for a while. I started this post about six months ago.

So Wednesday morning we have our senior Bible study at Ocean View Baptist Church. Sometimes, I think the group should be called “Ratholes’r’Us” but that’s another story. Now we can’t have a decent discussion about scripture with out food and drink, we are well provided for. We have muffins, home made cookies, coffee (both regular and decaf), and many other tasty treats.

So recently we have been studying the Acts of the Apostles and we are now on the tail end of chapter 27 (which is the getting close to the end). So in Chap 27 we find Paul aboard a ship heading to Rome. Travelling by ship in the first century AD was a perilous undertaking. So for someone to travel from the coast of Asia you either walked or you took a ship. If you walked, you had better have a centurion or two to protect you on the way.

So at the end of Chapter 27, Paul has been captured and is being transported back to Rome. While on the way, things get a little bit dicey and the crew is shipwrecked. Here is the last few verses of chapter 27,

[39] Now when it was day, they did not recognize the land, but they noticed a bay with a beach, on which they planned if possible to run the ship ashore. [40] So they cast off the anchors and left them in the sea, at the same time loosening the ropes that tied the rudders. Then hoisting the foresail to the wind they made for the beach. [41] But striking a reef, they ran the vessel aground. The bow stuck and remained immovable, and the stern was being broken up by the surf. [42] The soldiers’ plan was to kill the prisoners, lest any should swim away and escape. [43] But the centurion, wishing to save Paul, kept them from carrying out their plan. He ordered those who could swim to jump overboard first and make for the land, [44] and the rest on planks or on pieces of the ship. And so it was that all were brought safely to land.

So at our Bible Study, things are going good. We are managing to make it through the chapter. But no, someone has to ask,  “what about the life preservers?” Wasn’t there a joke about life preservers and  members of the clergy in a life boat. So I promised to do some research on this important point of our study. Searching for life preserver jokes was considerably harder than I thought,

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?” One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.” “Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”

I did find an amusing parachute joke with several variations.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute back to the pastor and said, “Not to worry, Pastor. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack

There you have it.

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That’s Not Funny

October 5, 2015

So last night, Paula, Mary and I sat down after dinner to watch SNL’s first episode of the  2015 season. As always, it was recorded from the previous night. I don’t remember the last time that I was up that late to watch TV.

So the episode opens with Taran Killam doing his impression of Donald Trump along with Cicely Strong doing an impression of Melania Trump (the current Mrs. T). Okay, I thought it was pretty funny. Paula did too, but Mary not a single tee-hee. Mary sat through most of the episode and didn’t laugh once. I’m not so sure that she knows who Donald Trump and/or why they were mocking him.

Paula says that Mary never had much of a sense of humor. But now whatever sense of humor there was is long gone. Part of the problem is that she doesn’t remember much from what she reads in the newspaper.

So the next skit worth noting is the one where Hillary Clinton has a cameo appearance. Kate McKinnon does her send up of Hillary. Hillary plays a bar tender in an Irish Pub. The scene has Hillary talking with her long time assistant Huma played by Cicely Strong. Even Darrell Hammond has a chance to do his Bill Clinton impersonation. Funny, but Mary didn’t get it..

It’s going to be a fun season for SNL.

Oh and one more thing. Today, Paula and I were doing our grocery shopping. As we were in line at the check-out, the man in front of me (white middle age graying) was commenting to me about the headline in the National Enquirer that stated the Hillary had cancer and would be dead in six months. You believe that, I ask? Maybe, he says. You’d vote for Trump I ask? We need a business manager in the White House. He walked away before I could ask him perhaps a good business manager might be a good thing. Some times I just don’t understand what people see in Trump.

Political Science for Dummies

July 23, 2015

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Click here for the rest.

Boston Cream Pie

August 25, 2014

In the Spring of 1978, we had bought our first house in Billerica. Paula and I were dating and we were pretty much thinking about marriage. So at that time, Paula was spending most of the time at our house in Billerica. But she still had her apartment in Brookline.

So in June or July, (I don’t quite remember which). I asked Paula if she would marry me. So she immediately said yes. Thence started the wedding plans.

So you’re thinking, what has this have to do with Boston Cream Pie? Read on. So Paula called home to Harold and Mary and broke the news. Lucky for us there was no Caller-ID at that time. If there were, the display would have displayed “Billerica, MA”.

So we set a date of October 7, 1978, the day after her birthday. That was good for me because, it would mean I could likely remember both dates.

Harold and Mary then made plans to come out to visit us in Boston. This meant that Paula decided to temporarily “move” back in to her place on Beacon St for the duration of their visit. I sort of think, that Harold knew what was going on but whatever. We allowed the charade to continue.

Paula acted as tour guide to Harold and Mary, while I went back to work at DEC.

So your saying, “What about the Boston Cream Pie?”. I’m getting to that. Well we decided to have a fancy dinner to celebrate our upcoming nuptials. We decide that the occasion called for going to a fancy-shmancy place. So we booked reservations for the Ritz Carlton dining room on Arlington St in down Boston. At the time, the Ritz required men to wear jacket and tie, women dresses. No T-shirts and jeans. Very fancy. Valet parking and all that.

My brother Rich and his wife Mary joined us for the occasion. So we had a total of six for the dinner. At this point it is important to understand the seating arrangement. Paula was NOT sitting next to Harold. Harold was on his own.

So the time came for us to order dessert. So Harold orders Boston Cream Pie. Harold loved pie. He didn’t care so much for cake. If Paula were to have sat next to Harold, she would not have let him order Boston Cream Pie. But order it he did. So then and there Harold discovered to his dismay that Boston Cream Pie was a cake, not a pie in the common understanding.

I wish I had a picture of Harold’s face when he saw the plate arrive. What’s this he says?

If you are not from around the Boston area, you might not know what “Boston Cream Pie” is. Here is the pointer to the article on Wilipedia. Next time you are in Boston, by all means try the Boston Cream Pie.

– Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Pigs

August 21, 2014

I saw this on the wall in the men’s room at a Masonic Lodge in Santa Monica:

Pigs

  • When you can’t do a thing with your hair wear pig-tails.
  • A pig-ture is worth a thousand words.
  • Don’t be a boar.
  • Life is not a dress rehearsal. Ham it up now.
  • Tell people you are not fat. Just saving water for the whole barnyard.
  • When your house is a pig sty. Hire a maid.
  • Be pig-headed only when it really matters.
  • Better to bring home the bacon than to cook it.
  • People love you more with a few extra pounds.
  • Be the little pig that went “Wheee-eee all the way home”.
  • Life is just a bowl of slop so don’t take it seriously,

My Favorite Internet Myths

August 11, 2014

So I am on Facebook fairly often and usually someone posts something that is just not true. Perhaps someone read an email from a friend of a friend of a friend. Usually there is no real attribution from a real news source.

Over the years, I have often tried to educate my FB friends to check the veracity (or as Stephen Colbert would call it “Truthiness”) of an email story. As always, I recommend checking Snopes.com as the definitive source for truthiness of internet myths. Or before the internet came along, urban myths.

Snopes.com was started (and continues to be run) by Barbara and David Mikkelson of California. Here’s the wikipedia entry.

Here are a few of my favorite internet/urban myths:

The Well to Hell

Geologists working somewhere in remote Siberia had drilled a hole some 14.4 kilometers deep (about 9 miles) when the drill bit suddenly began to rotate wildly. A Mr. Azzacov (identified as the project’s manager) was quoted as saying they decided that the center of the earth was hollow.

Supposedly, the geologists measured temperatures of over 2,000 degrees in the deep hole. They lowered super sensitive microphones to the bottom of the well, and to their astonishment they heard the sounds of thousands, perhaps millions, of suffering souls screaming.

Well of course this is not true. Here is the link to Snopes.

Skyway to Heaven

I was raised a Southern Baptist and twice now a preacher has made reference to airlines pairing their pilots with one Christian (or saved)and one non-Christian (or un-saved). This is done on the pre-text that if and when the 2nd coming of Christ happens and the one Christian pilot is taken into the clouds with Christ, leaving the non-Christian pilot to supposedly land the plane safely alone. One preacher specifically mentioned American Airlines as having this policy.

Also not true. See Snopes.

So many goofy stories, so little time. I could spend all day looking through this stuff. So just one more and then you will just have to go to snopes.com on your own and browse the nuttiness.

Jeter Signs with Red Sox

The franchise player Derek Jeter is sure to disappoint every New York Yankee fan in the world after deciding not to retire after this baseball season. One of their star players for years, Jeter has signed a multi-year deal with Yankees rival the Boston Red Sox.

According to sources, Boston has been eyeing the possibility of picking up Jeter since he announced he would retire after this year, his 20th season in the MLB. Reportedly, the deal will make him an additional $25 million a year for the 3 years of his contract.

As they say on the internet, ROTFLMAO. No true Red Sox fan (or Yankee fan, for that matter) would believe this. It is so bogus. Here’s the pointer.

So, gentle reader, if you are reading something on your email or Facebook or Twitter, that doesn’t mean it’s true. Before you go and post it to all of your friends (and make yourself  look stupid), go visit snopes.com and check it out.

Unitarian Holiday Greeting

December 20, 2013

I received this greeting many years ago. I don’t know who wrote it. For my readers who might be humor impaired, this is a joke. The internet is loaded with Unitarian humor. It seems that Unitarian/Universalists (Or UU’s for short) are often the butt of a joke.

Here’s a link to some UU humor. Go ahead, click on the link.

To My Friends and Family,

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best
wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of
the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your
choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or
traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all . . .and a fiscally successful, personally
fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of
the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due
respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make America great, (not to
imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or
is the only “AMERICA” in the western hemisphere), and without regard
to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith,
choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This
greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for
her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is
warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.)

Happy Holidays, (or whatever you choose to celebrate.)