Posted tagged ‘Humor’

A Priest, a Minister and a Rabbi…

January 11, 2016

I have been working on catching up on some posts that have been sitting in my ‘Draft’ folder for a while. I started this post about six months ago.

So Wednesday morning we have our senior Bible study at Ocean View Baptist Church. Sometimes, I think the group should be called “Ratholes’r’Us” but that’s another story. Now we can’t have a decent discussion about scripture with out food and drink, we are well provided for. We have muffins, home made cookies, coffee (both regular and decaf), and many other tasty treats.

So recently we have been studying the Acts of the Apostles and we are now on the tail end of chapter 27 (which is the getting close to the end). So in Chap 27 we find Paul aboard a ship heading to Rome. Travelling by ship in the first century AD was a perilous undertaking. So for someone to travel from the coast of Asia you either walked or you took a ship. If you walked, you had better have a centurion or two to protect you on the way.

So at the end of Chapter 27, Paul has been captured and is being transported back to Rome. While on the way, things get a little bit dicey and the crew is shipwrecked. Here is the last few verses of chapter 27,

[39] Now when it was day, they did not recognize the land, but they noticed a bay with a beach, on which they planned if possible to run the ship ashore. [40] So they cast off the anchors and left them in the sea, at the same time loosening the ropes that tied the rudders. Then hoisting the foresail to the wind they made for the beach. [41] But striking a reef, they ran the vessel aground. The bow stuck and remained immovable, and the stern was being broken up by the surf. [42] The soldiers’ plan was to kill the prisoners, lest any should swim away and escape. [43] But the centurion, wishing to save Paul, kept them from carrying out their plan. He ordered those who could swim to jump overboard first and make for the land, [44] and the rest on planks or on pieces of the ship. And so it was that all were brought safely to land.

So at our Bible Study, things are going good. We are managing to make it through the chapter. But no, someone has to ask,  “what about the life preservers?” Wasn’t there a joke about life preservers and  members of the clergy in a life boat. So I promised to do some research on this important point of our study. Searching for life preserver jokes was considerably harder than I thought,

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?” One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.” “Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we’re one short.”

I did find an amusing parachute joke with several variations.

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and then he bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out. The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live.” He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.” The little boy handed the parachute back to the pastor and said, “Not to worry, Pastor. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack

There you have it.

That’s Not Funny

October 5, 2015

So last night, Paula, Mary and I sat down after dinner to watch SNL’s first episode of the  2015 season. As always, it was recorded from the previous night. I don’t remember the last time that I was up that late to watch TV.

So the episode opens with Taran Killam doing his impression of Donald Trump along with Cicely Strong doing an impression of Melania Trump (the current Mrs. T). Okay, I thought it was pretty funny. Paula did too, but Mary not a single tee-hee. Mary sat through most of the episode and didn’t laugh once. I’m not so sure that she knows who Donald Trump and/or why they were mocking him.

Paula says that Mary never had much of a sense of humor. But now whatever sense of humor there was is long gone. Part of the problem is that she doesn’t remember much from what she reads in the newspaper.

So the next skit worth noting is the one where Hillary Clinton has a cameo appearance. Kate McKinnon does her send up of Hillary. Hillary plays a bar tender in an Irish Pub. The scene has Hillary talking with her long time assistant Huma played by Cicely Strong. Even Darrell Hammond has a chance to do his Bill Clinton impersonation. Funny, but Mary didn’t get it..

It’s going to be a fun season for SNL.

Oh and one more thing. Today, Paula and I were doing our grocery shopping. As we were in line at the check-out, the man in front of me (white middle age graying) was commenting to me about the headline in the National Enquirer that stated the Hillary had cancer and would be dead in six months. You believe that, I ask? Maybe, he says. You’d vote for Trump I ask? We need a business manager in the White House. He walked away before I could ask him perhaps a good business manager might be a good thing. Some times I just don’t understand what people see in Trump.

Political Science for Dummies

July 23, 2015

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Click here for the rest.

Pigs

August 21, 2014

I saw this on the wall in the men’s room at a Masonic Lodge in Santa Monica:

Pigs

  • When you can’t do a thing with your hair wear pig-tails.
  • A pig-ture is worth a thousand words.
  • Don’t be a boar.
  • Life is not a dress rehearsal. Ham it up now.
  • Tell people you are not fat. Just saving water for the whole barnyard.
  • When your house is a pig sty. Hire a maid.
  • Be pig-headed only when it really matters.
  • Better to bring home the bacon than to cook it.
  • People love you more with a few extra pounds.
  • Be the little pig that went “Wheee-eee all the way home”.
  • Life is just a bowl of slop so don’t take it seriously,